When I was a little girl, if you asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, the answer would easily have been a wife and mom. I knew what I wanted to be but I had no idea what that really meant.
I think about how I watched my mom cook when I was little. I wanted the recipes for the things she made so I would be certain I could make them when I grew up. If I could make the perfect meal, that would make me a perfect wife and mom right? Surely with all the ingredients to these meals written for me on an index card, in my little recipe box, I would grow up to be a success.
Why hadn’t I asked my mom or dad what makes a successful marriage and written that down on a card?
Do you ever wish you could hit the rewind button on your life and redo choices with the ingredients you have for life now?
I confess, I feel that way 100%. I was so hyper focused on getting married that I tried to cook up marriage with absolutely all the wrong ingredients. I tried and tried and failed so miserably. So much so, that by the time I met my husband, I no longer believed in marriage. For me, it had become a piece of paper. That paper could be used to control and hurt you and I had sworn it off. I built brick walls so high and wide that no one would get through again. I was ignorant on what God wants from a marriage. It just was not what I wanted anymore. In fact, my life had veered so off course, I wasn’t sure where I was going.
I did end up marrying again. The first date, and second time meeting my husband Dan, I remember he drove me home and we were sitting in his car. It was complete silence. I heard God whisper to my heart. “He’s your husband.” I whispered back. “No he’s not.” This conversation repeated itself three times. “He’s your husband.” “No he isn’t. I’m not getting married.” Again, “He’s your husband.” Me, “No he isn’t.” All the time Dan and I had been sitting there, it truly was complete silence. I briefly contemplated; do I tell this guy I am on a date with that God is telling me he will be my husband. Part of me thought, yes! That will scare him off for sure and I won’t have to worry with any of this. I’ll just go back to my life as it is. The other part of me thought, no this guy will think I’m a raving lunatic. I opted for my ego in the moment and didn’t tell him. Immediately after making that decision, I felt the biggest tug on my heart to tell him. No way. I wasn’t doing it. Who does that?! And on a first date to say the least! So, I sat there trying to compromise with God because what if I was wrong. So instead, I finally broke the silence in the car as we sat there. I told Dan, “If we are still seeing each other in six months, remind me of this night and ask me to tell you something.” I thought surely, I could save face if I mentioned it six months later. To my surprise, Dan asks, “What? Is it that we will get married?” My heart stopped. Quick, save face. I laughed at him and said, “No of course not!” Then the silence fell in the car again. It was deafening. Then I heard God say to my heart, “You just lied to this man and I told you he’d be your husband.” I felt guilty and also bad for lying. What was I thinking? So I told him the truth, right there on our first date. “Yeah. That’s what I was feeling…that you would be my husband.” Ugh. I wanted to smack my hand to my forehead. What was I doing? I felt like a fool but I also felt obedient to God. There was relief in the obedience. I didn’t care about the consequences of my ego anymore.
When Dan and I did get married, I was not who I am today. I admit, I still didn’t have the ingredients to marriage. I was a different person than I am now. He got the bait and switch for sure, lol, but I'd like to think he got it for the better. When we got married, I was still selfish and resistant. I have always had a heart for God but I wasn’t living for God at that time or living to the purpose He has for me. Today, I am much more focused on God’s desire for my life, which leads me to the story about how this last wedding impacted me.
There was a bridesmaid there and I immediately related to her as I heard her speak to her friends. They were all getting hair and make up, drinking coffee and enjoying the day. Every time she talked, I thought, wow, we are pretty similar. Even the clothes she was wearing were how I normally dress. I don’t typically meet a person that reminds me of myself so it was unusual. As the day progressed and the wedding was wrapping up, she asked to pray at the reception. I closed my eyes and listened to her words. She said something as she prayed, that hasn’t left my spirit since that day. It was the ingredients!!! The ingredients I’d been looking for my whole life. “Marriage isn’t about happily ever after. It’s about glorifying God.” So if you’re reading this and your single, if you’re struggling in your marriage or happy in your marriage, if you are going through a divorce or starting over again, write down this ingredient. “The secret to success is glorifying God!”
I can’t rewind to being that little girl in the kitchen watching my mom cook but I can write that down in my notebook that I hope my children read one day. Hmmm. Maybe I will go get one of the index cards from my recipe box, write it down and tape it into my notebook, along with all the other recipes for success I’ve collected over the past two years. I’ll even put a star on it and note that it’s a favorite.
Heather Kampans
Beloved Photography
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